The Pendulum of Bipolar.
This weekend I sat and reread some of my posts. I think, “How did I get into that state of mind to write that one?” With bipolar, emotions change…and with that, thoughts do, too. For a long time, I couldn’t trust my own thoughts and feelings. I wondered if they were “real”. At the time, they are. Then, bipolar changes me and I’m in awe that I could have been so sure of myself or so terribly low or so emotionless or apathetic or have such suicide ideation.
Recently, I had been doing so well for so long…more positive days than negative days. I thought my life had finally made a turn for the better. Then, I approached the precipice of normalcy, and bipolar shoved me off. I’ve fallen, and I’m desperately reaching for the ripcord in order to not hit rock bottom. I’ve been there before, and it nearly killed me.
The feeling of failure in every aspect of my life has returned.
The apathy and suicide ideation is visiting again.
The words people say cut me deeply. My emotions are raw during this time. They overwhelm and control me. I desperately look for escape routes, yet I am also in fear of them. Like my emotions, can I trust my instincts as to which path to follow?
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
Usually it’s a desire to flee.
Yet, I freeze.
And, I have no fight in me.
I cannot survive alone. I cannot take care of myself. Therefore, I’m a burden to others. How is that fair? I don’t want to be resented or be a disappointment, but I believe that is what becomes.
Until I can battle back uphill, I cling to whatever I can,
surviving day to day, moment to moment,
hoping my life…relationships, livelihood, lifestyle…isn’t left in shambles as collateral damage.